caught in suspension

i seem to have misplaced my journal. in all of my messes i've usually managed to keep track of the things i actually use. need. want. does my losing my journal signal that my messes have gotten messier or that my journal is no longer an item that i use need want? i certainly don't do much more with it beyond keeping it near me. and then i flip through it and am surprised at the things i've written in the past that i don't remember writing. 

recently i read an email that i sent out last year, a work email, and i was instantly surprised that i had done such a thoughtful and thorough thing. my day to day understanding of myself is someone who falls short, who really doesn't even achieve dabbling in any subject or activity because i am too afraid or tired or disinterested to start.

this blog is called "que chevere" a blog maybe about things that are neat, nifty, beautiful, important.

do i try to spin my anxiety in a chevere kind of light? what's the deal with positivity? question number one about positivity - why is it underlined in red as though it were misspelled? the internet and my brain tell me it is a real word. who tells you what is and isn't a word blogspot?